Move aside, male rompers, because there’s a new wardrobe staple bros need. That is, bros who are afflicted with affluenza or micropenis.
Introducing Birddogs shorts, the go-to apparel choice of the boy from freshman year that still texts you “hey u up?” even though it’s been, like, 6 years since you got to third with him over Spring Weekend.
What are the benefits of these shorts, you ask? They’re quick dry in case the wearer gets a beer dumped over their head by a girl he’s being way too handsy with at 1 OAK. They have an iPhone pocket for their iPhone X! (But do they have a pocket for their burner phones they bought specifically to stay in constant contact with their coke dealer?) They offer a silky soft liner to avoid “mashing their package!” (But does this silky soft liner allow room for the socks these dudes stuff down there? Why do you think the d-bags that wear these things are ostentatious in the first place? They’re compensating for something, obvi!)
We know you’re wondering about the dudes behind this obnoxious brand, so allow us to introduce Kyle Cooke and his fellow fuckboys, who I can only assume met during an elephant walk they had to endure during pledge week at Trinity College.
Sidenote: Hollyyyy shit I was being facetious when I said that and it turns out that Kyle Cooke, the one that has the Hitler youth haircut, ACTUALLY WENT TO TRINITY COLLEGE. I’m dying. Sometimes satire just writes itself, huh?
You probably realize that Kyle looks familiar, so you assumed you must have seen his mugshot after being arrested for a fraternity hazing ritual gone awry. Wrong! He starred on Bravo’s Montauk-centric Summer House reality show and was the one on Vanderpump Rules who told Stassi Schroeder that her bathing suit made her look like Steve Jobs! It so DIDN’T, by the way!
So clearly he’s not one for fashion, so he has no place creating a clothing line. And he actually tried to pass that Steve Jobs line off as a joke, so he has no place in comedy either. Need further proof? Watch their videos. See how long you last. Remember the BME Pain Olympics? This is more painful than that.
How many cans of Old Spice do we have to huff until we’re so high that we think this shit is funny?
This is what happens when boys think that Tosh.0 is a blueprint for comedy. This is what happens when they think they’re Dane Cook because a girl gave them a pity laugh for their terrible Borat impression. This is what happens when television networks refuse to cancel Entourage or Burn Notice. This is what happens when Dan Bilzerian and Ryan Lochte’s dads didn’t pull out 30 something years ago and consequently unleashed the Overlords of Doucheworld. And most of all, Kyle Cooke is what happens when, in an alternate universe, Jake Paul is sent off to Kent or Berkshire because his parents did not want to deal with him because he’s so hateful and obnoxious, and so they continue to finance his life and enable him just so he doesn’t have to move back home. And yes, Jake Paul is still hateful and obnoxious even in an alternate universe.
Look, I’m probably being really harsh, but they were asking for it. And they have probably used this excuse to defend themselves after a bouncer threw them them out of Surf Lodge when they grabbed an unsuspecting girl by the ass because she was wearing too short of a skirt. Oh, how the tables have turned.
[Photos via Birddogs Facebook]
Birddogs Shorts: The Douchiest Clothing Brand In The World